1) FIND THE PROBLEM FIRST !
Before thinking about solving a problem, it is necessary to identify the source ! The surface problem will never be solved if you are not able to put your finger on the original source. Here is a (non exhaustive) list of main sources of divorce/separation :
The lack of communication
There are many couples whose protagonists live together, but do not communicate and share nothing. The danger is that instead of moving together, people take different paths and eventually separate.
Differences of opinion in terms of finances
Although when marrying one promises to love oneself in wealth or poverty, differences of opinion and / or behavior with respect to money can lead to divorce.
Do not get married for love
Whether it is a hasty marriage for whatever reason, an arranged marriage or whatever, the lack of love is often what will lead a union to its loss. Indeed, when times are hard, it is the love uniting the couple that allows it to go forward and stay welded.
Of course, you can not love everything in your spouse and criticism can improve the relationship and become aware of certain things. Nevertheless, if the criticism becomes constant, the person may feel depressed and move away, which will eventually destroy the marriage.
The lack of privacy
Sexual relations are just as important as the rest to maintain the marriage. If the couple experiences problems or an absence of sexuality, this can lead to the end of the relationship. To feel desired by one’s partner is what makes it possible to weld couples.
Infidelity is the leading cause of divorce. There is nothing wrong with letting your eyes roll over here, but passing the course can have disastrous consequences.
The midlife crisis
The midlife crisis mostly affects men aged 40 – 50 years. They have reached their career goals, their children have left the home and they are left alone with their spouse. The routine then takes over and here is the crisis. People then want to feel young again and do senseless things, which can lead to marriage being lost.
The jealousy caused by social networks
Recent studies have shown that social networks can have serious consequences on relationships under 3 years of age. The spouses spend their time spying on their networks and many problems can emerge and lead to separation.
Emotional and physical abuse
Respect is essential in relationships. If your spouse does not respect you and abuse you emotionally or physically, then it is very difficult to last in a marriage or a long-term relationship.
Addictions to games, alcohol, depression or other mental illnesses can put the couple at risk. It is therefore important that psychological disorders are taken into account and treated for the good of the affected individual, but also of the relationship.
Although the things listed above can lead to marriages at their loss, this is not an obligation. Watch for some signs in order to fix the issues before it’s too late. A divorce is difficult for both spouses and children, so it is important to make sure that marriage works for years to come.
2) COMMUNICATION : THE WAY TO POINT AT THE ISSUE(S)
Communicating with your spouse is your primary goal if you want to maintain a good relationship and save your marriage. How to maintain good communication in your relationship and no longer suffer the wrath of his / her spouse?
Living as a couple is never easy, especially when the weight of years is felt. You begin to make less effort, you are more demanding and your relationship gradually fades. It is important to react quickly and to establish a good dialogue between you.
There is an essential point to remember : if you are not happy in your relationship, it is very likely that your spouse will not be happy either.
Communication: Do not get upset and control your emotions!
It is common and easy at the same time, to blame continuously on others. If your speech does not pass, it is that you are just as wrong and you should improve your way of communicate, your message and your perception of communication in your relationship.
When the dialogue is complicated and it is difficult to be understood by his / her spouse, one reacts with virulence, one tries to impose oneself. Very often, the negative boomerang effect causes words and emotions that go beyond our thinking. The barriers are then formed and the ego takes over.
What does he / she expect from me?
We often feel like an ideal spouse and meet the needs of the couple. It is true that around you, relationships are crumbling little by little and in front of your loyalty, your investment or your love, we can not blame you very much. And yet, that is not always enough.
The relationship is complex and you have to work harder every day. You need to establish good communication in your relationship to express yourself serenely in everyday life and maintain your love.
Does your interlocutor understand your message?
It is commonplace to understand what we say and to think about what we have learned from our partner. And yet, everyone interprets the words in his/her own way. At the end of your discussion, it is interesting to make a slight reminder of the important concepts and mechanically check if your message was understood as you intended.
In which case, a booster shot will not be too much. To maximize your speech, do not hesitate to divide the important points into sub-themes, allowing you to explain your comments later. You can also use examples to illustrate each point so that it is understood. A little trick to communicate with your spouse: during your conversation review, you can transform one of your comments to see if your spouse reacts and especially if he / she understands the substance of your thought.
Communication represents at 50% the base of your couple and it must be constantly fed to free you from the weight of your moods. Communicating in your relationship must now be part of your daily life!
3) DEAL WITH THE ISSUE: THE ART OF THE COMPROMISE
Once the problem has been exposed, finding a solution leads to some aspects you should take into account :
Stay yourself (and be honest in all circumstances)
It is not because we are in a relationship with someone that we have to look like this person in every respect. It’s not because she likes shopping that you have to go shopping with her every week end. To love each other does not mean doing and wanting the same things. It is important not to get lost in the other, in what he/she expects of you or in the way he/she sees you. You existed before meeting him/her and you will exist after. To let your spouse breathe, it is necessary to exist outside of your relationship, to have one or more activities that you do for yourself, alone or with friends.
Being yourself and being good with yourself allows you to love each other better. In fact, accumulated frustrations often give rise to resentment and anger towards others. Some people may even doubt the other’s love if they perceive too many differences within the couple or if the person does not share all their tastes, while the differences should be respected and cultivated. Indeed, at the beginning of the relationship, it is often the differences that seduced us. Without differences, the other becomes too familiar and less desirable.
Accept the difference of the other …
In the early days of the meeting, this difference attracts us, intrigues us. But once euphoria has subsided, it can irritate us. The peculiarities of the other can annoy us simply because it does not work like us, especially in the case where the couple lives together.
But do not compromise too much
You do not have to give up all your hobbies or your friends to spend more time with your spouse. Everything is a question of nuances, the extremes often being harmful. Sacrificing too many things nourishes resentment and can foster disputes. It is important to cultivate one’s autonomy. Keep what’s important to you in your life and do the right dosages, the ones that seem right to you. Moreover, when one sacrifices oneself, one often waits for the other to do the same thing in return and if it is not the case, one can blame him/her for his/her ingratitude. It is important that each member of the couple is a winner in the relationship, that each spouse finds his account and is satisfied. For example, if Mister likes to travel for months, and Mama prefers to stay home and see her friends and family, cut the pear in half. Mister will be able to travel less, less often, alone or with family and Madam will receive her family once every two weeks rather than every weekend. Madam may also travel from time to time with Mr. and Sir will from time to time receive his family. Thus, everyone’s needs are met and frustration is not part of it. This is a double win agreement.
4) SOME HABITS TO GET AND LOSE FOR A GREAT RELATIONSHIP
“Marriage is when a man and a woman are one. The most difficult thing is to know which one!” This summarizes very well the problem of the couple in general. When you’re in love, it’s not always easy to tell yourself that you have to let your spouse breathe in order to love each other better. Indeed, at the beginning of a relationship, you want to be together all the time, to do the same activities, to see the same people, to sacrifice everything for your couple, to give everything to the other, etc. But for a relationship to last, it is necessary that both spouses be in their sneakers, well in their lives and thrive individually, at the risk of losing their own identity.
The couple must not swallow the two individuals but rather add to the two existing entities. The relationship should not turn the other into a clone of ourselves, predictable and less attractive. It is therefore necessary to do things for oneself, alone or with friends, at the risk of getting tired and not being able to see each other in painting. Indeed, we must not wait to suffocate literally to question the relationship. Some things can be put in place very simply to let the couple breathe so that each spouse can find his account and the relationship is fulfilling in the long term.
Some good advices to make your relationship great :
This seems obvious, and yet the lack of communication is at the root of many breakups … Talk to each other when things go wrong, but also when things are going well, keep the complicity and avoid some arguments. But with the infernal rhythm of the days, we sometimes have trouble doing it. So get disciplined.
Find your place
Too fusional, the relationship becomes stifling and can make unhappy. We forget each other for the benefit of the other, a situation that can one day explode when we realize that we have left out what made us happy for the couple. Conversely, by not sharing enough things, while living on one’s side, one loses the link that binds us to each other.
Exit from routine
Daily grind, the bane of the couple! To maintain the passion of the beginnings, it is necessary to be able to escape from the routine and to organize privileged moments. It is in these moments that we can rediscover the other, be more relaxed away from worries.
Remove the disputes
We must not lie, disputes are inevitable. The difference of a happy couple is that everyone puts their energy in defusing the conflict rather than fanning it. Instead of raising the pressure, only laying charges to have the last word, it is important to keep calm and try to find a solution. What is done is done, now is the time to think and try to fix things.
Practice uninhibited sexuality
Getting your feet in bed is still the basis of a happy couple! But at the end of a certain time of relationship, sometimes, one has the feeling to have made the turn of his/her sexuality and the boredom sometimes replaces the passion of the first frolics. Because of the routine, the frantic pace of the day, we also take less time to meet and the underpants galapettes end up counting on the fingers of one hand.
Have confidence again and again
Mutual trust is essential to the proper functioning of the couple. Without it, the couple is built on foundations that can shake at any time. Jealousy and mistrust prevail, stifling the couple.
Being good friends
If this sounds strange, a couple needs a real friendship to work. An affection and a complicity that go beyond mere passion. Once the intensity of the beginnings has subsided, it is this deep understanding that allows a couple to last, to love each other differently and to overcome periods of crisis. Like two friends, you must be able to take advantage of what brings you together and not let what opposes you interpose.
Keep your secret garden
If it is important to communicate, do not forget to keep your own secret garden. The other does not have to be aware of all your thoughts, your worries, your annoyances. Everyone can keep for himself/herself his/her secret thoughts and unconfessed desires. And then, the mystery also helps maintain the seduction in the long run.
Dreaming and projecting together
To build projects together and to project oneself into the future is to show that you want a lasting relationship. To live together, to have children, to decide to go on vacation this summer are so many projects that weld the couple, bring them security and stability. On the contrary, they can cause a break if one of them does not agree with the other. For a couple to have a chance to function, it must be thought from the start as a sustainable living project. But apart from these concrete desires, it is also important to dream to two. These crazy projects, which will probably never be realized, reinforce the complicity and create a secret universe for the couple.
Cultivate the love link
When you live together on a daily basis, you can easily get carried away by the routine and no longer perceive the other as a potentially desirable or sensual being, but more like a roommate, a friend or even a brother. This can be accentuated when one has children and the role of parent takes precedence over the role of spouse. It is important to cultivate the romantic bond by giving you romantic moments: restaurant, weekend for two, holidays in couple, etc. You can also choose to make room apart from time to time and give you an appointment at night to put a little spice in the relationship.
It’s up to you to be creative and reinvent your marriage/relationship when things do not suit you anymore. Do not be passive in waiting for your spouse to change things for you. You are adult and 100% responsible for the relationship. So, roll up your sleeves and make sure that your relationship is as good as you want !
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